When I taught kindergarten, I avoided swear words like the plague. I figured if I let a few slip in private, one might pop out at work—and that would’ve been terrible! So, I kept my vocabulary squeaky clean. 😇

But then I retired. And, oh boy, I started developing a bit of a “potty mouth!” 🤦‍♀️

I don’t know a wide range of swear words, but the few I do know? I began saying them with gusto! At first, I thought it might make me feel better to let it all out. Spoiler alert: it didn’t. Instead, I ended up feeling embarrassed—and more irritated than before.

So, I decided it was time to clean up my act. I started coming up with alternative words to use when I felt the need to vent. My goal? Pick silly, ridiculous phrases that would make me laugh instead of fume.      Here’s my growing list of “non-swear swear words”:

• Fudge
• What the hey?
• What the marshmallow fluff?
• Mother love a duck
• You Mother of a FlockinNockinVilifiCation (a personal favorite for sheer ridiculousness!)
• Son of a monkey
• Sugar
• Shut the front door
• Holy guacamole
• Holy Mother in Moscow
• Dang rabbit
• Kiss my grits
• Holy crap on a cracker
• Bob Saget
• Awww pickle juice
• Cheese and crackers
• Gosh dangit
• Tartar sauce

I know—they’re silly. But you know what? They work! These goofy words make me smile, calm me down, and reduce my frustration. The only catch is remembering them in the middle of a swearing tirade. Maybe I need to make myself a cheat sheet! 🤪

If you have any funny substitutions of your own, let me know! The more I add to my collection, the merrier I’ll be—and maybe you will be too. Give it a try!

– Peni