Have you ever seen a child throw a temper tantrum? Chances are, yes—more than once! It usually happens over something the child wants but doesn’t get. “But I want it!” the child shrieks, while the parent calmly insists, “You don’t need it.”

Children have trouble understanding the difference between a want and a need. To a child, a want is a need.

But honestly—don’t we adults get those two confused, too? I know I do. Sometimes I want something so badly I could throw a full-on grown-up temper tantrum when I don’t get it.

Take my dog, ZZ. When I first got him, I signed him up for (many—and I mean many) obedience classes. “I want him to be a therapy dog,” I told the teacher. But after watching him fail at even a simple “sit,” I realized that my want might be more fantasy than reality.

Reality: ZZ is a kooky, high-energy pup with zero inner calm.
Need: Instead of therapy dog perfection, I needed him to learn basic self-control so he wouldn’t rip my arm off on walks.
Result: ZZ is now a calm, happy walker who listens on our strolls. Exactly what I needed. And hey—maybe that therapy dog dream will still happen someday.

Or how about body image? I remember staring into the mirror as a teen thinking, I want my nose to be smaller, my hair straighter, my body skinnier—then maybe I’d be pretty. I think most of us have wished we looked different at some point.

Reality: No one noticed my so-called flaws except me.
Need: I needed to accept myself—just as I was.
Result: Once I stopped wishing to look like anyone else, I became happier, more likable, and (surprise!) even kind of pretty. But I won’t lie—it took a while.

And then there’s my writing life. I used to say, I want to sell thousands of books on Amazon so I can be a successful author.

Reality: I sold…eight books last month. (Cue the tiny violin.)
Need: I needed to figure out what success really meant to me.
Result: I realized my success comes from writing stories that inspire kids and sharing them in schools, libraries, and markets. That’s how I reconnect with children after retiring from teaching. That’s my real need.

So maybe the trick is this: wants point us forward, but needs keep us grounded in reality.

Although…let me just say this—if you want a $20 pair of underwear because it doesn’t pinch, bunch, or cut off your circulation, that’s not a want. That’s a definite need. Trust me on this one.

-Peni